


Shitposts: A Collection (Voltron Crack)

by IkeaCats (FandomsOnline)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Communism, Crack, Does Bruno Mars Is Gay, First of many, Group chat, It Gets Worse, M/M, Parody, Robots In Disguise, Satire, Steamed Hams, Swim Club, Transformers - Freeform, but not in the same chapter, but only really in chapter two, communist lotor, i wrote this at like 12am, keith doesnt respect women, klangst, korea - Freeform, lotor respects women, parody of badly done "crack", voltron crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-01-20 19:25:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12439980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomsOnline/pseuds/IkeaCats
Summary: lance is bisexual, keith is korean and lotor is a communistturn back whilst you still can





	1. it gets better from here

You know what? it gets better in chapter three.

. . . . .

Literally every voltrbntlg fujvc 7

Evrye votlron fic ever

“that will be 1,000o00” keithh kogshirogane sighed he hated himself.

“don’t feel bad about working in a store BROTHER” shiro kogshirogane said to his brother keith kogshirogane smiled “things will get better SOON”

“NO THEUY WON|T IM EMOtionALLY UNSTABLE ALSO GUESS WHAT DEPRESSION” keith, shiro kogshirogane’s brother, shouted.

“OKAY THEN IF YOURE GOING TO BE ANGERY IM GING TO NOT SPEAK BROTHER” SHIRO SAID  
“FINE WERE NOT REAL BRO\tHERS ANYWAY” KEITH SAID CRYING

Keith pulled on a lack tshirt and blak jeans and ate some sad depressed pasta with crushed xanaxes as garnish. Then allura

“keith I completely understand what you’re going through”

Then keith punched her because he respect women and knows that any gender can be punched and it is okay because alura is his mom and also shiro’s girlfriend and KEITH IS GAY

Lotor appeared out of nowhere and took a sip of his respecting women protein shake. “Respect women or die, vile scum!” he whispered

“fuck you. Gay” then keith cried into his black pillow and bed all night he went on the group chat

 

3:31                                                                                             PM

Dankpidgey: here come dat boi!!!

cubanGay: oshitwaddup!!!!!!!!!!1

shiro_shirogane5h1r0: I cannot comprehend the current social situation.

Huhuhuhuhu: I am fat

Dankpidgey: lolxd shiro ur so adult!!

Shiro_shirogane5h1r0: pidge, please explain.

Cubangay: I like boys and daddy yankee

Cabungay: gasolina gasoline gasoline

Cubangay: boys

Keithkogoth: I hate myself

Dankpidgey: I have crippling depression!!!!1 xd

Alluralura: lol what is English

Alluralura: what is a computer

Alluralura: what is social media

Huhuhuhu: haha that is so funny what about cat videos tho

Bitchlotor: galra squad rise up innit

Keithkogoth: fam

Bitchlotor: surprise im a communist

Keithkogoth: ha me too

Dankpidgey: how did lotor get here tho

Alluralura: I hate all galra

Alluralura: they can die

Alluralura: every… last… one of them

Shiro_shirogane5h1r0: This is a statement I agree with.

Keithkogoth: wow wtf brother I thought we were brothers

Shiro: I stand by allura.

Keithkogoth: That’s racism tho

Shiro: read 3:45AM

Cubangay: this is a verbal conversation

Dankkatie: lmao no it isn’t

Cubangay: so whats everyones opinion on gay

Huhuhuhu: I am irrelevant

Keithkogoth: oh I guess its okay

Dankkatie: HA COS YOURE GAY  
keithkogoth: owo… no… im not….

Cubangay: boys

Cubangay: tacos

Mattlhotl: hello I am gay for shiro and also irrelevant aside form messing up relationships

Cubangay: what the fuck how are you here

Mattlhotl left the chat

Keithkogoth: so who wants to meet up tomorrow

Huhuhuhu: me

dankkatiE; me

alluralura: I hate galras

alluralura: me

Shiro_shirogane5h1r0: I would like to meet the rest of the group.

Cubangay: me

Cubangay: did I mention im gay

Bitchlotor: lmao sorry im pilotin the deathstar innit man

Bitchlotor: galrasquad rise up

Keithkogoth: galrasquad rise up

Bitchlotor: also I have women to respect sorry

Bitchlotor: though I will not be turning up I still respect allura

Keithkogoth: surprise I have been drinking and am now going to say gay thing about lance

Cubangay: surprise I am now straight and talking about vaginas

Dankkatie: lmao both of you go to sleep xd

Cubangay: vaginas

Keithkogoth: did I mention depression without ever actually showing depressive symptoms

Cubangay: I think allura is sexy

Alluralura: what is an allura

Dankkatie: this chat is a mess lmao

cubangaY: vaginas

The next day……………………………………………………………………..

Keith: *sits down* hi

Pidge: hi I’m gay

Lance: hi im gay

Hunk: hi im gay

Allura: hi im gay

Shiro: hi im gay

Keith: wow me too

Pidge: wow I called it!!!!!!

Lance: hola como estas donde esta  mi novio no tengo un novio et aussi je ne suis pas une homosexuelle

Hunk: well no of course youre not a lesbian

Keith:

Keith:

Keith:

Lotor: surprise it’s time to seize the means of production!

Pidge: mama mia thats a spicy meataball

Keith: oh no I didn’t take my depression pills I am now somewhat sad

Keith: oh look there is my not boyfriend lance

Keith: what’s depression

Lance: gay

Lance: im gay

Lance: gay gay gay gay gay

Keith: me too man no homo

But really he meant…………. All the homo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lance: byé guys ím góíng hómó to áblueeaea

Keith: depression.exe is restarting

Keith: parents.exe is not installed

Keith: self_control has stopped working. Wait for windows to find a solution or click here to close the progr

Keith: p u n c h

Lotor: keith did you just punch someone?

Lance: it was me don’t worry im not a woman

Lotor: oh good as long as all women are respected

Lance: actually I don’t respect my grandma she’s a homophobe

Lotor: ,,,,,,,,,,

Lotor: ………..

Lotor: so you  don’t respect a women because she doesn’t respect men  because she thinks liking other men is disrespecting women? Has she taken respect too far?

Lance: no she believes in adam and eve not adam and steve

Lotor: can’t comprehend

Lotor: respect fairy out

Lotor: everyoneisequalbutsomegendersaremorerequalthanothers

Loyot: bye

Shiro: so in other news I now care about nobody

Allura: we are now minor characters

Hunk: I was never important in the plot sweaty

Lotor: hey keith you should tell your friends that they matter

Keith: I hate everyone

Lotor: DISRESPECTING WOMEN ALERT

Keith: oh my god

Lotor: DISRESPECTING WOMEN ALERT

Keith: is this a joke

Lotor: DISRESPECTING WOMEN ALERT

Keith: can anyone else hear this

Lance: hear what

LOTOR: DISRESPECTING WOMEN ALERT

Keith: lotor I can hear him can you hear him

Shiro: Keith, are you okay? Lotor isn’t here.

LOTOR: DISRESPECTING WOMEN ALERT

Keith: shiro he is stood right beside me

Keith: for crying out loud

Keith: I hate everyone but women

Lotor:

Lotor: **_good._**


	2. i don't even remember writing this one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i dont remember writing this but i had to make an ending because such a masterpiece couldnt be let half finished

Keiegty

K ei th ? ?

B udy ???????

Lancelot was floating naround iin the space vacuum with nobody to svae  him tis time

He was so sad that he couldn’t confess his gay to voltorb tem. Lan eclook back on all the good tienms.

Like that tiem keith had bonding moment. He really did feel the electrons transfer to his outer shell and the electrostatic attraction pull them togbter. That mad el ance sa

O rht e time everyone nearly died on a massive giant bomb planet. That was a fun team moent too but keith wasn’t fuckni there ad lan ce felt gay sad because keith was gonna kill himself to save the fuckn universe

Lance thought about steven yeun Korean actor . he lov steve too.

Then Jeremy thought about how he had a giant fuckin hole in his abdomen . the radius was 4 cm. that means that the area of the hole. It was about 50cm^2, and the blood was leavin,f It was floating around because no gravity in space suddenly….

Then;lotor appeared!!!!!!                                                   

“lance”

“no  youre not kroean”

“that’s racist”

So lotor left and lance ded

Keiht felt the ded from lightyears away. Keith cried an emo tear. “iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive becoe so nuuuuuuuuuuuuuumb”

 Vv od o

Then lotor came back to the ship “ I trie to save lance lot but he was racist and I wasn’t gonna take that. You know, I don’t wanrt to ive my life with raist restirctions. That’s not how I should have tolive my lif. ima  strong indepent dent glrara wokmen

"no ye not" keith keithed "yeour koreane"

"no yuore koren"

"no youre korean"

"but if im korean and youre korean.... then whos piloting this ship???"

"mr noitcerid eno is."

"who?????"

"whos mr noitcerid eno?????" lotor confuseded

but turned out _mr_. _noitcerid eno_ was actually a code name that meant: ONE DIRECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. does keith kogane is communist

 

Keith Kogane is communist is the most discussed in the galaxy in the last years ago. Even it has happened in 2016, but some of the public still curious about what is exactly happening and to be the reason there is a rumor comes out about his communism. At that time he became the massive garrison rumor.

The coalition, especially his team are shocked. He just came out with his bad rumor which is spread massively. This time is not about his paladin career, but his bad rumor. The rumor is out of standardize of hoax, according the last reported this paladin revealed himself as communist. Do you still believe or not, this rumor is really much talked by people even in a person of his fans?

 

Lance did was shock, he must confronted keith about his communism immediately. But first he was needing help.

“Shiro,” Lance said. “I think Keith is one of _them._ ”

“A Galra?”

“No,” Lance ssaid. “A communist.”

“So a galra.”

“No,” Lance ssaid. “A communist.”

“So a galra.”

“No,” Lance ssaid. “A communist.”

“So a galra.”

“No,” Lance ssaid. “Worse than a galra.”

“Then what is he?”

“No,” Lance ssaid. “A communist.”

 

“OOOOOOOOOOOo hunni whos a communistttah?” interrupted hunk who was the stereotypical fat camp drag queen for no reason whatsoever

“Shh!! He’s coming,” warned shiro and keith walked in.

“hello keith we were just having a regular casual conversation about the free market” began lance

“the free market, you say?” asked the suspected communist.

“yes, the free market.”

“the market that is free?”

“indeed, the market specifically intended to be free.”

At that point there was a mysterious beeping noise on the note of c, then c again, then e flat, then c and keith dashed out of the room

“keith possible, what’s the sitch?” lance heard

“why keith, where are you going?” shiro asked

“oh…” keith shifted “I have some things I need to do… urgently”

“what sort of things, keith?”

“I have to go and seize… some things?”

“what kind of things are you seizing, sisTaH?” asked hunk

“just… some means?”

“ooh, means. Ilove me some means. Means on the beach in front of the sunset. Sweet means are made of this...What sort?” lance asked

“…themeanstoproduction” keith coughed

“GIRL did you say the beans of corruption”

And then lotor burst through the window on a big-ass float, breaking the air lock

“HEaHLO FrIENDS It IS TIME tO SEIZE MEANS OF PRODUCTION AND OVERTHROW DISGUSTNIG BOURGEOISIE. COMRADE KEITH PLEASE GET ON FLOAT WE ARE GO TO RUIN CAPITALIST PIGS NOW”

And then everyone but lotor and keith fell out into space because that’s the power of communism!!!! Communism is magic!!!

 


	4. steamed hams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no no, not steamed clams, steamed hams

 

After nearly burning himself putting the meal in the oven, Keith bumped the oven door shut at the sound of his doorbell. Already tense, he yanked open the door.

“Well, Keith, I made it – despite your directions,” laughed his guest.

“Ah, Shiro. Welcome! I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon,” Keith greeted him, at which Shiro smirked.

He took a seat at the laid table as Keith rushed back into the kitchen.

Keith tried his best not to scream as he noticed the charcoal clouds seeping out of the oven. He tugged the door back open, falling back as he did so, to somewhat of a sight.

The roast had burned after two minutes of cooking.

“Shit,” Keith mumbled. He knew he was no gourmet chef, and that preparing lunch for anyone but himself would be ambitious, but this luck was something else. To solve the smoke problem, he opened the window – and had a genius idea:

“But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Kogane,” he said aloud, stroking his chin. He propped a leg up on the windowsill, ready to make a mad dash for it.

“Keith?” Shiro called.

“Shiro, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?”

“Keith, why is there _smoke_ coming out of your oven?”

“Smoke? What’s smoke?” Keith panicked. Shiro stared at the oven. “Oh, that? That’s not smoke, that’s steam. Steam from the steamed clams we’re having. Mmm, steamed clams!”

This satisfied Shiro, giving Keith enough time to run his alien ass over to the conveniently placed fast food joint across the road.

“Hi, welcome to O’Mickey’s, what can-”

“can I get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

“Sir, that running joke is no longer funny.”

“Right, can I get two O’Galaxy Burgers blease-”

“Sir, please find an original sense of humour.”

“lotor you bitch just go along with this we’re on the fuckin’ internet”

“What?”

“CAN I GET TWO O’GALAXY BURGERS BLEASE”

“NO SORRY BURGER MACHINE BROKE”

“UNDERSTANDABLE HAVE A NICE DAY”

“You will be able to collect your order at window two.”

Keith drove the car around to the next window.

“Lotor?”

“Yeah, we’re understaffed. Budget cuts. We’re nearly going under.”

“Why?”

“Burger machine broke.”

“Wait, what the fuck?”

“Yeah, but only after you ordered. Cherish these. That’ll be seven-ninety-eight; thank you for shopping at O’Mickeys!”

And because Keith’s car was actually ~~optimus prime~~ Voltron, the whole trip took 4 full yoctoseconds.

Bursting through the dining room door, Keith announced, “Shiro, I hope you’re ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers!”

Shiro frowned. “I thought we were having steamed clams?”

 _Oh, shit!_ Keith thought.

“Oh, no – you must’ve heard me wrong. I said steamed _hams_.

Shiro shot him a quizzical look.

“You call hamburgers steamed hams?”

“Yes…” He tried to think up some kind of logical reasoning. “It’s a Galra thing.”

“Really? Because when I was abducted by the Galra, not once did I hear the phrase ‘steamed hams’.”

“Mhm, but you were with the druids, right? It’s a Blade of Marmora thing.”

“I see,” his guest paused, “but these hamburgers _do_ smell a lot like O’Mickey’s O’Galaxy burgers.”

“Why, thank you! But haven’t you heard? O’Galaxy’s nearly gone under. Anyway, shouldn’t we actually start eating?” And with that, Keith disappeared into the kitchen. He opened the O’Mickey’s O’Galaxy Burger packaging. Though the paper was saturated with its signature scent, there was no burger to be found inside, but only a note:

“это то, что вы получаете за потакание капитализму, идиот.”

-lotor

 

_(that’s what you get for indulging in capitalism, idiot.)_

He had fucked up.

“Keith, are you alright in there?”

“Sorry, steamed ham machine broke.”

“Understandable, have a nice day.”

And then Shiro left, and all was good. Except Keith’s house was on fire.

But that was no large issue.


	5. voltron iwatobi swim club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe shiro isn't human

Make us free na splash casaneta

 

Lance had always looked up to shiro as captain of the Voltron academia high swim team, but it was at times like this that he questioned his leadership.

“Well done, team!” he shouted to the window.

“Turn around, jackass,” Pidge said, oddly out of character and more sharp and sour than usual.

“Of course,” Shiro replied, not at all obliging. “Well done team!” he repeated. Lance figured there was something wrong with Shiro, but he was probably having an off day. Keith was having those all the time – today was not an exclusion.

“The fuck do you want, dickwad?” Keith asked, removing his 5 sets of armbands.

“I mean I actually had a point,” Lance answered, “But now I just wanna ask why you’re wearing more armbands than an eight-year-old needs to.”

“Hey, don’t forget you guys were the ones who wanted me here.” Keith was right. If the swim club wanted any shot at success, they had to have five members. “Whether I can swim or not isn’t my problem.”

“Right… Except, it is. Because we’ve got the tournament coming up, haven’t we?”

“YES! TEAM MEMBER LANCE IS CORRECT!” Shiro announced, deafening everyone. “IN THE COMING MONTHS THERE WILL BE A TOURNAMENT AND AS A TEAM I DO BELIEVE WE SHOULD TRAIN EXCEPTIONALLY HARD. I WILL BE INTRODUCING A NEW SCHED- OVERHEATING.”

Wait, what?

“OVERHEATING. OVERHEATING. PLEASE CHECK COOLING UNIT. OVERHEATING.”

Oblivious to the situation, Hunk piped up. “So, will we be training for longer or more frequently?”

“SHUTTING DOWN. REBOOTING IN SAFE MODE.” The team captain closed his eyes and seemingly went stiff, a whirring sound emanating from his whole body. “I WILL BE INTRODUCING A NEW SCHEDULE AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF WE COULD ALL MEET UP AT WEEKENDS AS WELL AS IN THE WEEK.”

“Right, thanks. It’s just that I have to be home to cook on Wednesdays, so…” Hunk replied.

“I WILL BE INTRODUCING A NEW SCHEDULE AND I WOULD APPREDICATE IT IF WE COULD ALL MEET UP AT WEEKENDS AS WELL AS IN THE WEEK.” Shiro repeated.

Pidge screamed at him again. “Shiro, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You said that already.”

At this, their coach, Allura, forced a laugh. “Nothing, he’s just… They reduced his medication the other day.”

“Shiro doesn’t _have_ medication,” Keith shot back. “I went through everyone’s bags last week looking for money and all I found was a magazine full of computers, but they were like… photographed _really_ weirdly.”

“Exactly! That’s it. He doesn’t have medication anymore,” Allura explained, the sweat on her brow visible.

“Really? What was it for?”

“ADHD.”

“You’re telling me that his eyes glowing green is a symptom of ADHD?”

“Yes, Keith. Google is free. Go educate yourself, you ableist fucking pig,” their coach countered.

. . . . .

On their walk home from swim practice, Lance raised his concerns with Keith, who – though not at all reassuring – would be able to provide some form of clarity.

“I’m super worried about this competition, Keith,” He began. “I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who can actually swim on this team.”

“Really, how come?” Keith asked.

“For starters, every time Shiro gets in the pool, his arms disappear… and his legs… Keith, legs don’t bend that way naturally. And don’t get me wrong, I know he’s an amputee, but his limbs just _shouldn’t do that_. Then there’s like this huge flash, and nobody else thinks that’s weird? But he crosses the pool in a second.”

“That’s good, right?”

“It’s hardly  swimming. And on the other side of the spectrum, there’s you.”

“We’re dropping this conversation now.” Keith was visibly annoyed.

“Keith, we were at the pool for an hour today and you spent the whole session trying to finish one lap.”

“And? That’s dedication.”

“You only got half-way!”

“Well, at least I actually do the swimming. _On my own_.”

“I’m pretty sure Hunk is taking steroids, and even then he just walks along the pool floor to the end.” Lance genuinely feared for Hunk’s health. He used to be an average level swimmer who could cross the pool in decent timing, but now? Once, Hunk dived in and didn’t surface for the entire swim session. It was only the next time they met up that they found him floating on the water. And he was fine, but probably only because of the drugs he was taking. “And Pidge refuses to even swim. She just has Hunk carry her across. To top it all off, Allura thinks we’re all shining stars!”

“Then I have an idea,” Keith replied, tone changing to deadly serious. “Saturday’s meeting is gonna be somewhere new.”

. . . . .

 

**[Today – 6:53PM]**

**Keith**

saturday were gonna  be training somewhere else bitches

**Me**

gonna train ya lazy asses. hunk go get some help

steroids won39#t help you anymore

**Keith**

meet me at our old elementary school at eight

be there or be square

and by square i mean dead.im bringing my knife

**Shiro**

Congratulations! You have won a free iPhone X. To redeem your prize,

please visit our website at http://www.freeiphonex.voltron.com .

**Pidge**

Cancel

**Me**

guys why can39#t anyone admit that shiro is a robot

**Allura**

Lance, I can’t believe you would dehumanize another teammate

like this.

**Me**

He39#s clearly a robot. he said he was overheating today

**Allura**

Some people get hot easily.

**Me**

Allura when he swims his legs turn into propellers

That39#s not normal

**Hunk**

Lance im not on steroids

I promise

**Me**

Ok

By the way hows easter dave

**Hunk**

Oh hes good at the minute got a lotta family

stuff going on tho

**Me**

Bitch I thought the fuck not

**Keith**

isn’t easter dave slang for a dealer in movies

or something

**Me**

Exactly

Hunk please get help

**Keith**

well anyway see yall hoes Saturday

 

 

. . . . .

 

Get ready for part two this shit aint done


	6. voltron iwatobi swim club pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this isnt even the end of the story

“Yeah, so then you just take out your trusty lockpick–” Keith explained, “—and you’re in!”

“Keith, buddy? I know you’re all for staying safe and not getting caught for the sake of bettering the team, but…” Lance began, only to be interrupted.

“You think I’m doing this for the team? Bitch, I came here for the thrill of a life of crime.”

“Do you really need to tape the knives to your knuckles, Keith?”

“Don’t call me Keith,” he argued back. “It’s fuckin’ wolverine now!”

Lance focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. The light at the end of the tunnel. The light was success. The light was a half-decent swim team. The light was his happy place.

“I BELIEVE THERE COULD BE SOMEBODY ELSE HERE,” Shiro crackled. Speaker needed fixing, clearly. “SCANNING PREMISES… SCANNING PREMISES… WOLVERINE, THOSE KNIVES PRESENT A SECUUUUUUU— A SECURITY THREAT. IN THE ENVIRONMENT OF A SWIMMING POOL, THERE WILL BE MANY WATER MOLECULES. IF ENOUGH COME IN CONTACT WITH THE ADHESIVE SIDE OF THE TAPE, A KNIFE COULD DETACH ITSELF AND OUR LOCATION COULD BE REVEALED. ANOTHER SCENARIO IS THAT SAFETY COULD BE COMPROMISED AND SOMEONE MAY BE INJURED. THIS HAS A 78% CHANCE OF OCCURRING, ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS.”

But the rest of the team had moved on. Oh well; he could use his x-ray vision to find them.

Meanwhile, Lance had already stripped down to his boxers and made a splash.

“Keith, get in the pool!” he shouted.

“IT’S WOLVERINE,” Keith replied through gritted teeth. “And not without my armbands.” He turned away, ready to storm off.

“Bitch, get in the pool!” Lance swiftly grabbed his ankle in an attempt to pull him in. Lance failed.

Keith cracked his head on the poolside tile. There was a pool of blood leaking from Keith’s head onto the poolside tile. Keith was maybe bleeding out. Hell, maybe Keith was already dead.

“You killed Keith!” Pidge accused Lance from the viewing deck; she had been waiting for her movie to start but then quickly realised she was in the wrong place and had not managed to skip the swim meet. Pidge was not as smart as she made out to be.

“DO NOT WORRY,” Shiro boomed. “ONE OF MY MANY REMARKABLE CAPABILITIES AS TEAM CAPTAIN IS THAT I CAN PERFORM FIRST AID.”

“Do you need a first aid kit?” asked Allura, ready to pull one out of her bag. Shiro ignored her.

“AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT,” he said, eyes turning from their usual charcoal to a glowing red. He scooped Keith up, and soon enough there was no Shiro; only an ambulance. “TRANSFORMERS: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE.” Though he was now a vehicle, Shiro could still speak. “I COME FULLY EQUIPPED WITH MEDICAL STAFF AND WILL BE RETURNING TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. GOODBYE.”

And with that, Shiro sped through the wall.

Lance cleared his throat. “Well, this was fun, guys, but I think we should get going.” He shot finger guns at Allura. “Right?”

A menacing figure approached him from behind, appearing from the pool filter vent.

“Well, well, well. Look what we have here,” it said. “Dirty capitalist scum.”

“Lotor?" He turned around. "This is the Free! parody. You don’t need your political agenda this time,” Lance explained to him.

“Oh, really? Sorry guys. Uh… can we try that again?” Lotor replied, clearly embarrassed.

The team reassured him that it was okay and he was still valid and that they could, so Pidge’s Hermione ass pulled out a time turner and Lotor disappeared back into the vent. The Rick and Morty fandom were annoyed by this fourth wall break and time travel logic not even referencing their show.

A menacing figure approached him from behind, appearing from the pool filter vent.

“Well, well, well. Look what we have here,” it said. “Voltron Iwatobi Swim Club. Nerds.”

It was Lance’s arch nemesis, Lotor. Well, actually, Lotor was Keith’s nemesis – and Lance and Lotor were on okay terms – but Keith was probably dying from blood loss, so he had to play the part.

“ _Lotor_ ,” he addressed him. “Or should I say… Ursula.” His friends gasped.

“I never thought you’d stoop down to that level of racism…” Lotor countered. “Sokka.”

Another gasp.

“ _Do you want a fight?”_ Lance threatened.

“Sure. Fifty metres free.”

Gasp.

“And the loser has to commit…” Lotor added. “Swimpukku.”

“No!” Allura pleaded.

“Please, Lotor!” Hunk cried.

“That’s too far!” Pidge wept.

They all looked at Lance, begging him not to agree.

“It’s on.”


	7. ducky ducky swim club (voltron iwatobi pt3 - finale)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the loser has to commit swimpukku.

But before the race could start, the rivals were interrupted by a whirring siren.

“HELLO. IT IS I, SHIRO. AFTER CAREFUL ANALYSIS IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT KEITH WAS NOT SUFFERING FROM ANY SORT OF FATAL TRAUMA,” he announced.

“Dammit,” Pidge muttered under her breath. If Keith died, there would be no swim club. And if there was no swim club, there would be no swimming.

“Actually, we could just ask Matt to join.” Hunk said – inside her brain.

“What? Hunk, what the fuck? How are you even here?” she asked.

“Shrooms can take you to magical places.”

“Well go visit one. Get out my headspace, Hunk.”

“Pidge, are you alright?” Allura interrupted, bringing her back to her senses. “It’s just that you’ve been talking back and forth to yourself and I’m a little worried.”

“HEARING VOICES INSIDE THE MIND IS A SYMPTOM OF MULITPLE DISORDERS, INCLUDING SCHIZOPHPRENIA. OTHER WARNING SIGNS INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO: DELUSIONS, HALLUCINATIONS, EMOTIONAL FLATNESS, INSOMNIA AND IRRATIONAL STATEMENTS, TO NAME A FEW.”

“Yeah, no, I’m not schizophrenic. Hunk just astral projected into my head, and everything is completely fine.”

“Who’s Hunk?” Allura asked.

“INDEED, WHO IS HÃ×Öǂǃꓘ?” Shiro added. How he said that aloud is unknown, but he presumably was not human, so it doesn’t matter all that much.

“Don’t you guys remember. HÃ×Öǂǃꓘ is – wait, what’s that music?” Pidge began to explain, but was put off by the very upbeat piano music playing in the pool hall, even though no speakers were turned on.

“AHA HA HA HAHA HA. YOU ARE SO FUNNY, PIDGE. ANYWAY, IT TURNED OUT THAT I WAS CORRECT IN MY PREDICTION THAT THE TAPE HOLDING KEITH’S KNIVES TO HIS HANDS WOULD COME LOOSE: THIS CAUSED HIM TO CUT HIS FINGER. HE SUFFERED CONCUSSION, BUT THE BLOOD WAS NOT HEMORRHAGE.”

“That’s wonderful news!” Allura cheered.

At the end of the pool, Lotor and Lance were readying to swim.

“You guys aren’t really going to race to the death, are you?” Pidge shouted to them.

“That’s how they do it in prison,” was the first thing Keith said after coming round.

“Well, this isn’t prison, is it?” she countered.

“Considering the loser has to commit swimpukku, it might as well be.”

Lance shouted back, voice full of emotion. “Keith, if I do have to commit swimpukku, there’s something I need you to do for me…

If I die young, bury me in anime. Lay me down on a bed of shounen. Sink me in the river, at dawn. Send me away with the words of a theme song…”

“Fuckin’ weeb!” Keith yelled in reply, flipping him off. And then the race started.

Though Lotor entered the water first, Lance was already ahead. _Shit… He’s probably more focused than I am to be going that fast. Focus Lotor. Focus. Speed. I am speed. One winner, one loser. Heh, I eat losers for breakfast. Mmm, breakfast. Wait, no, focus! …I wonder what Lance is thinking of right now. He’s probably got his mind completely on the race._

_No, no he’s singing anime theme songs._

_What? Hunk, is that you?_

_Yeah, I just projected into his head to give him some encouragement but all I could hear was electric guitar._

_Was it good?_

_Maybe. I mean I hear the fandom likes it a lot, but of course they’re going to, y’know. Me, though? I’m not into anime._

_Neither._

_But like, if you enjoy watching series, you should totally get into Stranger Things._

_Oh, right – look, I don’t wanna be rude, but I need to finish my internal monologue._

_Gotcha. Gone with the wind, buddy._

_I’m faster than fast. Quicker than quick. I. Am. Lightning!_

_…Wait, Hunk? Are you there?_

_Still here._

_How are you even inside my head right now?_

_Oh, I got deleted from physical existence in a bid to win affection._

It was Lotor that surfaced first.

“You know what? I gotta say, that was impressive. Swimming in full body armour and a cape is difficult,” Keith admitted.

“How would you even know?” Pidge asked.

“Renaissance fair LARP. Some nerds get really, really violent. I had to swim through a _lake_ to get away from them.”

“LANCE LOST THE RACE. THE CONSEQENCE NOW IS THAT HE MUST COMMIT SWIMPUKKU.” Shiro boomed.

“Wait!” Lance protested from the water, splashing Shiro. He began to spark, but nobody cared about Shiro anymore. He was annoying. Lance turned to Lotor. “Losersayswhat.”

“What?”

“I SAID “LOSER SAYS WHAT”! AND YOU SAID WHAT!” he exclaimed.

Pidge placed to fingers on her chin in a v-shape, eyes twinkling. She looked like the stereotypical animated nerdy sidekick, or was trying to communicate in sign language that she was in fact a lesbian. “There were no rules against it. And you did say that the loser has to commit swimpukku.”

“Swimpukku,” Lotor repeated. “I don’t feel like it.”

“Really?” Lance was shocked.

“Don’t overreact, but I’ve been through a lot today.” He felt Lance place a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s fair, man.”

“I’ve just had so many deja vus in one day, and I feel like if we overreact now, we’ll get catapulted into a brand new universe.”

“That’s poetic, Lotor,” Allura said.

“You know, I feel like Lance will still be as upbeat as usual, and Keith will be short and edgy as hell and will have a trait that makes him different – as usual – and Pidge? I feel like Pidge might even be blind.”

“This is turning into a prophecy, you know?” Keith said.

“I just, I don’t know – this was just a thought. Shiro would be still strong and noble – but no longer an amputee.” Lance scoffed at the use of the word amputee. Shiro was just a robot. “Allura I can see as someone who loves lipstick. Very feminine and nurturing.”

“Lotor, where are you going with this?” Allura asked.

“I’m drawing parallels. I feel like, in that universe, when we overreact… I turn into a genocidal maniac, you slaughter me, and amongst other things everyone dies. Over and over again; it happens so many times like we’re respawning in a video game. So I think we should calm down and try to avoid that.”

“I see,” Pidge said. “This is philosophy. The world you speak of is merely a concept to illustrate a point of view.”

“Exactly,” he concluded. "Oh, and in that universe we all had grey skin and orange horns. But that's really not important."

“Oh, Lotor!” the team chorused.

He did not commit swimpukku. But Hunk, somewhere, was floating around in a different dimension. His legs didn’t work, but his heart was still golden, and he was somewhere very sandy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not a filthy homestuck i had to go on the wiki to make those references  
> i also havent finished doki doki but i kinda know what happens. im waiting for the gamegrumps to finish the series tho because danny is hilarious i love him


	8. i hate myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys are back  
> the boys are back  
> the boys are back gonna do it again gonna wake up the neighbourhood

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!   
  
What will the name of this young man be?

**ZOOSMELL QUIZNAK**

Nice try, smartass.

**LANCE MCLAIN**

Your name is LANCE MCCLAIN. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to flirt with women but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for HOT SPACE ALIENS and are an aspiring BREAKDANCER. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.   
  
What will you do?

Nothing. We’re not fucking doing this.


End file.
